A Finality Ode
Years have past.
You are still all that I base my life upon.
The diversions
A wife.
To help raise a child.
A diversion.
It was I who introduced you to the one you love.
I did so because I love you.
And I can’t see you unhappy.
But somehow,
Something inside of me still thinks that it is possible.
That somehow we will be together.
It is total nonsense.
But really, my love, there is no other.
Perhaps you have kept me from flying.
Perhaps I wished to be grounded.
There is nothing beyond you.
Nowhere going.
Nothing been.
I can’t forget.
…and only for that moment.
Two months. I think that’s the totality.
But a landmark of impression.
Where am I?
No one knows but you.
Not even me.
There is no more left,
A filthy apartment with a field of bottles.
And me forgetting who I am.
At my heart.
At the basic me.
So many times thought lost.
But somehow carrying on.
After all these years, how can I say that?
…Carrying on.
No my love,
My one true love.
There is nothing to escape from.
I have drowned myself unto nothing.
I have no ability to love.
No ability to seek.
No ability to seethe.
Nothing left.
Save a love, a thought to what could have been,
Something among the faith of greatness.
I have lost.
So long ago.
I failed.
Going nowhere.
Anything I dream is worthless.
Without you.
An Irreparable vacancy.
A place no one can go.
Except my subconscious.
Except me.
I can never say goodbye.
I won’t do it.
I’ve given you to another.
I’ve given every stake I had of you.
I gave it willingly.
There in no way to get you back.
That is not what I would wish.
Can one wish the pain of their greatest friend?
Can one with morals want you back?
Never.
I gave you up forever.
You can be nothing to me, must be.
Or I shall continue to fester.
I missed so many of my dreams.
I lost so much of my being.
Little is left of me.
Yet still, somehow, I dream of your lips upon a coffee cup.
And cry.
And think about how somehow I can love you still.
The pain grips me.
But something you gave me.
Something I treasure above all else.
Something lost I never found.
A feeling deep within me.
A love unstoppable.
Never to be requited again.
Lost onto eternity.
Some reason to exist.
Some reason to continue.
To express this emotion towards posterity.
And never forget you.
Forever my muse,
Larissa.